"So what can I offer that elevates her status among her peers if it's not money or status?"
I got that question in the comments of my FSM:Intro post, and it underscores a very real issue facing men -- particularly husbands -- today: what can you do if your woman makes more than you do, and is likely to continue that trend into the future?
I'm in that same boat myself, and it's something I've struggled with. You see, back in the 1990s when all my friends were making embarrassingly large stacks of cash doing relatively simple internet work, I eschewed all that incredible opportunity in pursuit of a life as a humble writer of fiction. Since publishers rarely check your credentials, and don't buy your stuff on the strength of your education, I was one of the few people I knew who went to college to get an education, not a job. Hence my liberal arts degree and my subsequent tenure as a waiter. After years and years of perfecting my craft and getting rejections (none of which mentioned my college career, BTW) I finally broke through into my current, well-paying day job. For an advertising copywriter in my state, I'm at the top of my game.
That being said, Mrs. I makes almost twice as much as I do. And she took a pay cut when she took her current position.
Mrs. Ironwood, by contrast, got all sciencey and ended up in a lucrative career in the pharmaceutical industry (which her immediate ancestors founded in this state). She's really, really good at what she does, and is universally respected in her industry. She's turned down more six-figure job offers THIS YEAR than most people get offered in their lives.
Now, the only way I have a hope of catching up with her, much less surpassing her, is for me to have a popular series of books or sell the movie rights to something. Otherwise, I make a decent living, but not exactly affluent. She can only go up from where she is . . . and up means a LOT of money.
So our financial relationship was never going to even out, I knew. And like a lot of men, that bothered me, even though she told me over and over that it shouldn't. Somehow, her reassurances sounded like pity to my ears and that just pissed me off. But short of knocking over a jewelry store, there was not much that I could do about it. And yes, it did affect our relationship . . . for a while. Especially once we started having babies.
And then I realized that the relationship dynamic of today's 2.0 marriage (although I maintain it's marriage 3.0, I'll bow to convention for the sake of convenience) can't be judged by Marriage 1.0 standards . . . or even the standards of last generation.
Being a "provider" is always important to a man, of course. And his ability to provide is one of the big things that attracts a woman to him. But the terms of just what "providing" entails have changed as our economy has. I do not hunt down and kill large amounts of protein for my family, like my paleolithic forebears did. Nor do I toil from sun-up to sundown in the fields to bring in the harvest for my family, like my agricultural forebears did. I don't even labor ten hours a day in a factory to bring home the metaphorical bacon. I work in an office. Behind a computer. I THINK for a living.
By my reckoning, that's a dramatic improvement on hunter-gathering, farming, or industrial labor. The ability to put food on the table by the power of your brain alone (well, I do use a computer) is amazing. But that still doesn't answer the "what do I do when she makes more?" question. And that's because that's the wrong question to be asking.
You see, being a "good provider" is a huge attracting factor to some women . . . but it doesn't really do much for dudes. We don't care what our women make, for the most part, unless they are using that financial power as a weapon in the relationship. When that happens -- and it does -- then you have some serious issues. If it does become an issue in the relationship, then the simplest way to counter it is to insist that you both contribute an equal amount to the household expenses, with any excess deposited into savings. But that's assuming your combined income is enough to make your bills. If it's taking every bit of what both of you make to make it, then who's making more won't be nearly as much of an issue.
But if you don't have money or fame or power to offer your woman, as you ask, just what can you offer her?
That sounds like a trite answer, but it's the truthful one -- and actually a fairly useful one, if you understand it properly.
If you know you're never going to be rich and famous, then what you have to offer your woman is you -- your strength, your stability, your manliness. You cannot draw your strength from your wealth or ability to provide, so you must find ways to demonstrate your masculinity as an asset in other ways she will recognize and appreciate, and which will advance her in the matrix. It's not uncommon for women to make more than their husbands anymore, so it isn't as if the consensus of male opinion is that makes you a pussy -- as long as you are making a decent enough wage to support yourself (and, theoretically, her), then you've hit the minimum acceptable standards in the Male Social Matrix. Being supported by your wife (unless you are the active housekeeper/childcare provider/house husband or recently unemployed) without a decent job DOES make you a pussy, unless you are actively looking or have other means of income. No man respects another dude who lives off his woman.
So forget, for the moment, the issue of income (and fame -- which is a double-edged sword) and focus on what you do have to offer her. For Blue Pill dudes, that's obsequious deference that leads to a low-sex marriage. For Red Pill dudes, it's conscious displays of masculine power designed to reduce the importance of your salary in her mind compared to your value as a masculine asset. Simply put, if you're The Man at home, then she won't care how much money you make.
How do you justify that to her Matrix, and therefore reflect positively in her eyes? Here's one way I do it, but there are plenty of others. The key is to remove income and such from the equation entirely from your mind (which is difficult) and focus on the other aspects of marriage where your masculine strengths can be considered assets.
In short, just because she makes a lot of money and bosses a bunch of people at work does not entitle her to be Captain at home -- indeed, I've noticed that the higher level of responsibility in the professional world, the greater the desire in women to have someone else make decisions at home.
So step up and be the Captain. Drive the boat while she fishes. That's going to be huge, right there.
The fact is, you both have jobs, and while they bring in different amounts they're still just jobs -- they don't define you. What your job is and what her job is shouldn't matter to your relationship dynamic nearly as much as who takes a dominant stance. And that had better be you, or you're in trouble. But most couples in this situation tend to proclaim their "equality" when in actual practice the female is dominant in terms of decision-making. She has the money, she has the vagina, she calls the shots and he just has to take it until she starts to despise hi s weakness and look for another dude.
If you're a Red Pill man, the proper response to your woman's job is merely, "glad she has work", and move on. Because her success or failure at her job is immaterial to how things run at home. You both work, there is income, there are bills to be paid, and that's that. Everything left beyond that, the discretionary spending, can be worked out through channels. Take the lead, start paying all the bills (unless she has an accountancy background or gets aroused by that sort of thing) and start holding her to account about her spending.
Because that's the thing: once upon a time, when women really did make a bare fraction of what men did, the feminist hue-and-cry was that family resources were communal resources, and that women who worked for wages that contributed to the household should have a say in how those wages are spent. That was great advice . . . in 1965.
But now that women are making more money, we're seeing a lot more conservative attitude among professional women about "communal resources". It seems that when the man makes more money, then communal resources need to be spent with both parties equally consulted about the expenses, according to feminism. If the woman makes more money, then after communal expenses are paid the argument goes that women should control the resources they brought into the relationship. In other words, it's a Hamster wheel thing.
By taking the issue off the table entirely, and being willing to stand firm on it, you remove it as a potential bit of leverage from her hand. But you have to be willing to stand firm on it.
Mrs. Ironwood and I would occasionally have fights about money and who spent it, a few years back when we were still struggling. Even then she was making more money than I, and I was doing the majority of the housekeeping and childcare. But I'd lost my job, and after a few months the whispers amongst her Matrix started up. That's always a bad sign. Especially when her mother got involved.
No member of a woman's FSM is more influential than her mother. And while I love my mother-in-law to death, and consider her a gift from the goddess and an example for mothers-in-law everywhere . . . well, she's still my mother-in-law. When the Ironwoods hit some rough times, she (and her third husband) tried to intervene with some "helpful" advice that was more like a get-your-shit-together ultimatum. Now, at the time Mrs. I was making all the money, save the few hundred in unemployment I was getting, and my mother-in-law did have a valid point. But the way in which she expressed it raised my hackles and caused me to Put My Foot Down.
Essentially, after running it through the FSM Secret Decoder Ring, her argument went: "I had every confidence in you as a potential mate for my daughter when you first got married, because you seemed like an intelligent young man with a bright future ahead of you, but I did not anticipate these difficulties and am now second-guessing your suitability for my daughter because you have a mortgage, a child, and she's supporting you while you 'write' and it looks to me like you're just being a lazy slob. I no longer have confidence in your ability, and I am exercising my right to inject myself into your relationship to guide you to a more sensible and more secure existence, and one I won't be ashamed to tell my friends about. Now, are you going to knuckle under and take this low-paying, menial retail sales job I arranged for you, where you can apply for management training in just twelve months, get basic insurance and be making up to $30k in just two years, or--"
That's when I stopped her -- for two reasons. First, because she kinda ambushed me with this ultimatum/just trying to help job offer, and she did it in front of my wife and her third husband. It was a little rude, and this was from a woman whom I had only seen being rude when the FSM called for such a response, so I was more than a little taken aback. And towards the end of her speech, her tone got a bit rude, too. I don't do rude, not from family members. We can have a polite discussion about anything, but if you start forgetting social conventions, I end the conversation by walking away or a threat of violence, depending on the source.
But secondly, I had this to say: "Thank you for your interest, but I assure you that Mrs. Ironwood and I have -- together -- this situation in hand, and we will -- together -- deal with it to our mutual satisfaction. While I appreciate your concern for your daughter and grandson's welfare, I assure you that their needs are being met within the confines of our household, without additional assistance, and should assistance be necessary we are fully capable of applying or asking for it. More, while it's true that your daughter is currently bringing in the majority of the income, that does not give you the right to intervene in our affairs despite your concerns about her -- my marriage was to her, not to you, and I actively resent your attempt to usurp my husbandly authority, or even counsel your daughter in a way that would encourage a separation or divorce. Our marriage is not dependent on anything but our willingness to make this work, and if that means we live in a tent on the side of the road, then that's where we'll live and you can visit at Christmas. But I am in charge of this operation, and while I welcome your advice when solicited, I reject your interference when it is not." Then I looked over to my wife, asked her, "Don't you agree?" she nodded, a little frightened at the confrontation, and we left shortly thereafter.
Mrs. Ironwood didn't disagree with what I said, but it was the first time the cordial relationship between myself and her mother had frayed at all, and she was far more concerned about maintaining the integrity of the filial relationship than she was about the money. She -- and I -- knew that this was a temporary condition, and she respected my insistence in looking for the right job, not just the first job my mother-in-law arranged for me to get completely outside of my field. Things were tense between us for a while, but in the end my mother-in-law respected my stand and backed down. My wife was both scared and proud of me. I found a new gig a few weeks later and things got back on track. But after that, there was never any doubt in my mother-in-law's mind about who was leading our relationship, despite the difference in our paychecks.
Because this goes back to a fundamental rule that Mrs. Ironwood and I have in our marriage: we don't fuck with each other's career choices. As long as there is stable, predictable income, her career is hers to manage and mine is mine. Oh, I'll offer advice freely (I used to be a career coach, among other things) but I won't tell her what to do, or which job to take, or which educational advantage she should use, and she extends me the same courtesy. We trust each other enough to make the right career choices -- with consultation, of course, if it involves changing jobs or anything else that impacts the Mission.
And she came up with the rule: as long as there is predictable, stable income, I could be a garbage collector, and she wouldn't complain. Indeed, that was the point she made when she gave me a talk the week before my unemployment ran out a few years after my dust-up with my mother-in-law: "I don't care where you work, we just need predictable, stable income", to which I replied two days later, "Guess what, Honey! I got predictable, stable income writing . . . in porn!" and she just had to accept it. Because we don't fuck with each other's career choices.
That's saved us a lot of grief over the years that other couples, who feel empowered to direct their spouse's career, have had to endure. We have each pursued a profession, and each of us is skilled in plenty of side-jobs that could be converted to employment in a pinch. We're highly capable people, and we trust each other not to be idiots . . . something which has only come back and bitten Mrs. Ironwood on the ass a few times in twenty years. She has never urged me to take a job purely for the money or the potential for advancement, and she has always emphasized my happiness in my job . . . as long as the bills get paid.
She's an exception. Most women try to frame their husband by his career or wealth, which adds to their position in the Matrix. And if you want to improve her position but you're dedicated to running an important non-profit, nearly non-paying organization, it's hard to brag about that to your girlfriends unless you recently won a Nobel Prize for your efforts.
That doesn't mean you're attempt to elevate her are doomed however. A man who is sufficiently self-aware and motivated (particularly if he has learned Game) can distinguish himself to the Matrix, and raise his wife's position, in other ways. And ways that don't emasculate you automatically.
One way is to distinguish yourself is gaining some award or achievement in a hobby, sport or charity. Mike might only be a truck driver, but if he's a truck driver and the State Champion Bass fisherman for six years running, then he's bragworthy for his accomplishments within the Matrix despite their unfeminine nature -- indeed, because the achievement is within a highly masculine realm, it gives her better position because his accomplishment pushes him forward in the masculine-oriented Male Social Matrix. And increasing your status among men makes you a higher-status husband within the FSM. The women of the Matrix appreciate a manly man who does manly things, so such efforts will be met with approval. Winning an award for your work in a non-profit field will add some status, too, although probably not as much (unless her Matrix is tightly connected with your work).
A second way is by dominating your community with your masculine
presence -- that is, evoking Charisma around you so thickly it chokes the asthmatic. Being the man who everyone's head turns to see enter a room gives her mad Matrix points. Turn on the Charm, turn up the Presence, and go out and be ridiculously social -- not just with her peers, but with their spouses. Since many mixed functions invariably polarize into male- and female-zones, recognize that sticking to her elbow all night is not going to raise her status necessarily -- go chat with the boys in the corner, tell a few jokes, get them laughing, try to be seen being a high-status male within the Male Social Matrix for a while, and that will help significantly. This only works if you've been working the Charisma angle, and it should be much easier for natural extroverts.
But in general, being seen getting along well in the company of other men adds to your instant value in the FSM. Flirting lightly with the womenfolk can work too, but that also could be dangerous if you aren't yourself aware of the social situation. But a little public DHV and Preselection never hurts your case.
A third way is to become an absolutely stunningly perfect male specimen. Like, double up on the P90X or the Insanity for six months until your biceps are showing off their biceps to complete strangers. A dude can get away with an awful lot when he has washboard abs and an ass you can bounce a quarter off of. You could be a part-time aerobics instructor who doesn't make in a week what your wife makes in an hour . . . but if you have the body and are rocking her world with breathless regularity, your income won't matter to her Matrix one bit.
A fourth way: Game her immediate Matrix. That's essentially what I did, to help her out in the early part of the relationship. If the new dude your daughter brings home is sullen and laconic, and mostly sticks to himself when he isn't texting in the corner, then he isn't going to do much for her position beyond "Well, at least she found someone...". The same new dude who jumps up to help her sister clear the table, offers to do the dishes, and flirts shamelessly but good-naturedly with her aunts, and who insists on taking her mother's garbage out and who volunteers to take her best friend's dog to the vet . . . THAT dude earns the woman some points. His cheerful willingness to participate is going to up his value to her local Matrix, even if his income and fame aren't impressive.
Remember, the Matrix values participation, and any woman who can persuade a man to participate on her behalf in an endeavor important to her Matrix will rise in position. If her best friends and family think she's lucky to have caught you, you've won half the battle. Just don't take it too far, and know and respect your own boundaries, or you'll be Betacized and running petty errands for her second cousin before you know it. The key is to refrain from such minutia until it Really Matters, then chivalrously step in and kick ass.
A fifth way: Be dangerous. Yep, you read that right.
This element of masculinity is often neglected by the Manosphere because of the controversial nature of the advice. After all, it's scary to imagine a bunch of men going out of their way to be Dangerous in a society where being violent is so easy to do on a big scale. But I'm not talking about building pipe bombs in the basement; I'm speaking of becoming personally dangerous.
Take up martial arts and practice religiously until you have developed some accomplishment. If you are less physically natured, consider getting taking your state's Concealed Carry class and buying firearms. Take up boxing. Fencing. Greco-Roman wrestling. Ultimate FIghting Championship. Fight Club. Be Dangerous.
Why? Three reasons: 1) being dangerous changes your personal attitude. Walking into a party full of strangers worried about whether or not you'll make a good impression is Beta; walking into a party full of strangers and realizing you could kick three-quarters of the asses in the room, Alpha . . . and it will show in your stance, your stride, and your presentation. Dangerous men radiate confidence and charisma. 2) Being dangerous means that you can protect her . . . and despite their pretensions of independence, women, in aggregate, still want to feel protected. Since security is a big issue for most women (and a huge factor in the Matrix) then having a burly man around who is willing and able to kick someone's ass is a HUGE plus, and one that gets reflected in her position in the Matrix. And 3) Pumping out that "dangerous" vibe puts other men slightly on edge, but it attracts other women who are searching for security and excitement. That Preselection vibe can be a potent force, not just in how you Game her, but in her position within the Matrix. If the consensus agrees that Mike is a badass and don't you wonder what it would be to sleep with him, y'know, if Carol got hit by a bus? then Mike's dangerousness gives Carol bonus Matrix points.
The other side of this coin is the fact that there will also be a subconscious (or at least unvocalized) worry among her Matrix that because you are personally dangerous, that you therefore are automatically a danger to her. While that is a concern, it will also actually add to the excitement women associate with you, and hence bump up her position slightly. Sure, you'd never lay a hand on her . . . but the fact that you could if you wanted to sends shivers of excitement down the spines of the Matrix.
A sixth way: be Brilliant. Or at least highly talented. That's my go-to tactic. While women are impressed by muscles and money and power, they are also impressed by genuine expressions of artistic or technical brilliance. If you have a lick of talent in any direction -- performance, graphic arts, music, dance, statistics, sports, whatever, you figure out what that talent is and you develop it until you are proficient enough to show it off. I coasted for years on my wife referring to me as "My husband, the New York Times Best Selling author", even when I hadn't published anything in years. The fact that I actually had the talent to write a book that other people would by was impressive to the Matrix, and therefore she gained position from it. Similarly, if you work the most boring desk-job in the world but you run a rockin' jazz trio on the weekends, that kind of talent and dedication is a DHV that's going to get you points with the Matrix.
And the better you do your thing, the more acclaim you gain, the more brilliant you appear to the Matrix. Nor must you limit your displays of talent to the one thing you're most talented at. I'm a good writer. But I'm also a mediocre graphic artist with a mad creative streak. So when I designed and painted a fake-stained-glass mural on the french doors leading from my bedroom to my back porch, it was a highly tangible sign of my creative impulse -- and got compliments from most of my wife's Matrix. Plus people outside have a lot harder time seeing into my bedroom.
Papa Ironwood, my father, was a good example of this. He was definitely working class for most of his life, and for a while he had a second-shift industrial job when I was in Middle School. That's when he decided to take up the guitar.
Papa Ironwood has the talent for music that Mrs. Ironwood does for cooking fine cuisine.
For six years he'd get up and start the day with a half-hour of practice. He'd play and sing. And he was AWFUL. He could barely keep a tune, his fingers didn't seem to want to go right, and his sense of rhythm was inexact. But he stuck to it, amusing only himself and annoying only his children, for six months. After six months, he knew how to play three or four songs reasonably well enough to perform in public -- much to my mother's surprise. And after three years, he was a competent musician, picking up fingering techniques and improving his sound dramatically. While far from the professional level, he had achieved a sufficient level of mastery of the guitar to be able to perform with professionals in a casual setting. That was enough to give my mother's Matrix position a boost.
His voice, on the other hand, did not improve one bit from Day One.
My point is that anyone can learn an instrument, learn a language, learn how to paint, how to draw, how to sculpt, how to dance, how to compose, how to write. With all human knowledge at your fingertips, picking up a skill or expanding a talent to a new level of mastery are ways to demonstrate your value. Particularly if the end-result can be shown off for her benefit.
A seventh way: Be seen by the Matrix being In Charge of your marriage. That is, make it understood to her Matrix that while her career is important, you expect her ultimate loyalty and primary consideration is always to her family, that is, her husband and kids. This sounds counter-intuitive, considering I just said that the Missus and I don't fuck with each other's careers. But let me explain.
As mentioned exhaustively already, Mrs. Ironwood is a well-respected and powerful member of her profession, one who wields a great deal of authority in her professional life. Over the course of her career she has had varying levels of responsibility as well, mostly leadership positions, board memberships, that sort of thing. Among her duties has been organizing conferences and meetings and workshops for her profession, which has in turn led her to a lot of late nights collating and licking envelopes and such. Mostly I'm pretty tolerant about it -- I support her career -- but about five years ago when she first started to get very active, she called me one night to ask if she could stay for another few hours and take care of yet-another project.
"No," I said, flatly. That took her by surprise. Back then (I was still a Blue Pill dude, for the most part) I always accommodated her career needs. But it had been too long a stretch of her working late nights. I put my foot down.
"What?"
"I said no," I continued, reasonably. "You've been out late for every night the last two weeks. And then you're exhausted on the weekends. I know you're under the gun, but no, you can't stay out and play. Wrap it up and get your ass home. Your kids are starting to forget your face."
She tried to persuade me, explain why, but I was firm. Later, I found out that instead of bitching at her for her lack of participation, the dozen-or-so women there actually praised her for having a devoted husband who was concerned enough for her welfare to tell her to stop and come home. In fact, by the time she left she had started a "I wish my husband/boyfriend..." conversation among the attached women and a "Where do I find a guy like that?" conversation among the singles. She left in a hail of positive well-wishing and enjoyed a surprisingly large bump in her position within the Matrix.
Why? Because my insistence on her stopping work was a DHV to the Matrix nodes who witnessed it. And having a devoted, caring, dedicated husband who was willing to stand up for her when she wasn't willing to stand up for herself validated her choice of mate so highly that it became the object of envy by those whose husbands didn't care and those who had no men in their lives. By exercising my masculine authority over my wife and invoking her filial duty in a public forum, I was not perceived as that hateful man who was trying to sabotage her career, I was seen as the loving husband who had had enough of his wife's workoholism and insisted that she attend to her duties as wife and mother, regardless of the circumstances. That's a three-pointer.
A common fallacy among career-oriented women is that they want weak-willed, permissive, subservient husbands who will sacrifice for their wife's career. Feminist propaganda aside, within the Matrix that sort of Nigel is almost an albatross around the neck of a woman. Even hardened career women are given a much higher boost by having a masculine, Alpha husband who is willing to over-rule her if he believes that her devotion to her family is suffering.
Now, there's a fine line here -- start being a dick, and her position drops and her career suffers, and then she's just pissed at you. But judicious use of the masculine override can be potent, if it is witnessed by the Matrix. It denotes a man who cares passionately about his woman, but who is not about to kiss her ass -- and that measure of respect for you is reflected in her position. It's a delicate balance, but if you can manage to do it artfully enough, you can manage your wife in a way that actually adds to her position.
So there you go -- seven good ways to improve her FSM position without making a lot of money or making the last round on America's Got Talent. Use them wisely, and remember: your mileage may vary.
