Girl Game: The Glory Hole Experience

Once again we return to that most-popular of topics (ironically enough), the issue of Girl Game.  I'll leave the basics to others, but this is a subject which might appeal to the more adventurous among you ladies, if you're looking for something interesting with which to intrigue your husband.  Pray attend.

Glory Holes, for the innocent and ignorant, are the popular name for the penis-sized holes between booths in adult bookstores -- and they are rarely used for mere peeping.  For decades the Glory Hole has been the staple of the underground Gay community, and even in our enlightened times there are still plenty of men who haunt these places, looking for anonymous relief.

The action is usually oral, but the key point to the fantasy element is the anonymity of the experience.  Not being able to see the mouth on the other side of the wall allows the imagination to run wild.  That's why plenty of straight men try these booths out, because, gosh, you can't really know if the mouth on the other side belongs to a man or a woman . . . can you?

Their own Rationalization Hamster takes them through the maze of their subconscious and finds a way to an anonymous blowjob in a squalid and dirty porno palace:  It isn't really cheating.  If no one knows, it never happened.  It's just advanced whacking off, right?   It doesn't mean I'm Gay, really . . . does it? I'm just . . . contributing to the local Gay community.  Yeah, that's it!

(Now, before you ladies freak out and think every trip your dude makes to the video store will lead to illicit, anonymous gay sex, let me assure you that plenty of guys never venture back into the back room - they're just there for the boobie flicks.  On the other hand, if you purchase all of your porn DVDs online, say at a reputable company with over three decades of experience, you can avoid that possibility.  But I digress.)



So why bring up the Glory Hole at all if it's so gay?  Let me explain how you can turn the faint allure of anonymous sex into something you can, possibly, use in your bedroom.

You see, like a lot of things in Gay sexual culture, like the Cosmopolitan, hooking up, and and pastels, straight women can't resist stealing it.  Once certain women found out about the secret Gay stash of endless anonymous penises in the back room of the bookstore, well, some of them went a little crazy.  By the 1990s, you were starting to see couples and even single women sneak into the 24 hour XXX stores to get a midnight snack.

Enough of them, at least, so that my Gay friends grumble that they can't hook up on a Saturday night anymore because the straight dudes congregate around the known pussy -- and if a woman (or good-looking transvestite) walks into a booth, you can bet the line will be as long as she wants it to be.  Instead they meet men who want to be with men on Craigslist and invite them to private glory holes in hotels or at their homes like respectable gentlemen.

But when women did start going into Glory Hole booths, of course the porn cameras were soon to follow.  Glory Hole porn has become a new specialty in the pornoverse.

It's easy to see why -- a girl, a wall, a hole, a penis, cheap movie magic.  Anonymous sex becomes adult entertainment.  And guys loved the fantasy element of glory holes almost as much as MILFs and cheerleaders.  Hot girl on the other side of the wall?  Not knowin' who she's blowin'?  How could that not be hot?

The thing is, your hubby might actually be turned on by the fantasy of anonymity, but that's one of those things he probably doesn't even know how to ask for, even if he knows he wants it.  But enough dudes do that I feel comfortable sharing this tip.

The Set Up

First, you're going to want to prepare an utterly private place where you know you won't be interrupted.  What you want is a closet, a spare room, even just a doorway if possible, across which you can stretch some sort of visual barrier like a blanket or a big piece of cardboard.  If you really want to put some effort into it, and have the space, go to your local hardware store and purchase an 8'x4' sheet of easy-to-cut foam insulation board -- and advanced couples might want to make the whole thing out of wood.

But start with the cheap, easy-to-dispose of stuff first, because if you don't get into this (and Athol says about 70% of the stuff you try won't work for you, and I cannot disagree) it's easier to get rid of cardboard or foam insulation than it is to explain the huge plywood sheet with the suspicious hole in it to the neighbors.

The goal, of course, is to build your own glory hole.  The actual hole is likely less important than the feeling of anonymity.  Once he puts his dick through the hole or slit, his imagination should be utterly reliant on what he feels, not what he sees.  Removing the visual component is the exciting thing, and this is a lot more elaborate than a simple blindfold.  It shows you put some effort into it.

Once you have a decent glory hole set-up prepared, stow it away until one night when you want to treat your husband to something a little . . . special.

After preparing him thoroughly (say, ten solid minutes of kissing to get him worked up good and hard) then grab his hand and pull him to his feet.  Hug him.  Grab Mr. Happy and give him a shake or two.  Put your mouth up to his ear.  Whisper . . .

". . . do you trust me?"

If he says no, well, you have bigger issues.  But he'll probably say yes.  Let's assume he does.

"Then I want you to wait here for exactly three minutes.  Then I want you to come into the living room/dining room/observatory/woodshed.  You'll know what to do then.  I've prepared something a little different tonight."  Give him a final peck, a sexy smile, and wiggle your ass out of the room.

If he's not thanking the gods he married you at that point, again, you got other problems.

Slink away to your pre-prepared "Glory Hole Booth".  Make certain during your prep that you've considered all of the logistics of the situation, first.  That is, have a bottle of water, some lip balm, and any other fun stuff you might need at hand, and do grab a pillow or ottoman -- you might be there a while.

Or, if you do it right . . . maybe not.

In any case, when he finally enters the room, he should see a clear indicator of what he should do, such a cardboard sign that says "INSERT PENIS HERE" or "HUSBANDS ONLY (FORM A LINE)" or "RING BELL AND INSERT COCK FOR SERVICE" or "BLOWJOB VENDING MACHINE" or any other sexy, witty thing you can imagine.

If you have followed my instructions to the letter, and your husband is straight and has even the remotest attraction for you, you're gonna see Mr. Happy poking through the hole in record time.

And this is where it gets fun for you: because he really doesn't know exactly what you have planned.  He doesn't know what to expect, or just how far you've decided to go.  You have successfully captured the mystique and allure of the Glory Hole, and his brain is buzzing at a thousand miles a second.

Some women might think of this move as inherently objectifying.  You're right.  That's the point.  You have entertained your husband's sexual brain as well as his dick. It wasn't about you, personally, it was about you, plural.  You both get to indulge a fantasy at the same time.  Remember that.

Now, back to the dick: you can approach this a couple of different ways.  You can just gobble it down enthusiastically like normal, and he will think it is fucking fantastic -- guaranteed.  That might actually be a good bet, the first time around.  It's an Ironwood rule-of-thumb that you should probably only introduce one new element into your sex play at a time, to fully explore it and appreciate it without distraction.  So start with just the basic Glory Hole Experience, if you're feeling hesitant about his response.

If you want to kick it up a few notches, however . . .

This is your opportunity, too -- you can experiment with your guy's penis in all sorts of silly ways.  If you've usually been too into him to really get into his dick, the disembodied-and-could-actually-be-Daniel-Craig-if-the-light-is-low-enough penis of your husband.  Just listen to what he says and the sounds he makes.  This is your mutual opportunity to experiment.  Revel in it.

Besides the Basic Blowjob, which he's fairly familiar with by this point if you've done your wifely duties appropriately, consider a few of these intriguing variations on the Basic Level:

The Hummer

Hum -- Happy Birthday, Christmas Carols, or just hum some scales or your favorite song while you're doing the deed.  It creates all sorts of startling situations and will be noted.  So hum a merry tune . . . because it's hard to whistle while you work with a dick in your mouth.

The Knob Job
Focus exclusively on the head and the first three inches (if he has at least three inches -- and I hope he does, for your sake), and leave everything else alone for he first fifteen minutes.  Suck hard, suck softly, nibble, but don't go any further down the base until he's begging for it.

The Oily Handy
If you have a cold sore, sinus issues, or any other problems that keep you from being able to deliver a good blow job, a perfectly acceptable substitution is a super-slippery hand job to completion.  Use a good thick commercial lube, hand lotion, massage oil, or other slippery stuff.  And if you want to get really crazy, consider olive oil or room-temperature butter.  But if you want the best all-time long-performing lube combo, according to interviews with hundreds of dedicated masturbators, is Petroleum Jelly (not KY) and a cup of water.  That seems to have the best coefficient of friction, but clean-up is hell since it's not water soluable.  Still, you should be able to find something slick to slip on his dick.

For Intermediate Level:

Good Vibrations
Maybe it's time for hubby to meet your toy collection?  Use your faves on the head, base and shaft -- but avoid the testicles.  The Fellas are a little sensitive.

Glove Love
Some dudes really get off on rubber, and slipping on a pair of gloves (the yellow housework kind or the medical kind) and lubing up your mitts to give your mouth an assist as he's poking through the hole is guaranteed to give him some very unique sensations while he's climbing to paradise.  If rubber isn't his thing, consider trying silk or satin gloves, too.  Or maybe a scarf.

Panty Play
If you start out with the Basic Blowjob, you might consider wearing silk or satin panties while you blow him . . . and then half way through, slip them off and start using them to stroke his shaft and head.  Some dudes can really get off on this, and if their silky enough, that's hard to beat.  Which I suppose is the point.

Now, for ADVANCED Home Glory Hole users, consider some potential suggestions from Uncle Ian's Super-Secret Book Of Mind Blowing Fellatio Tips:

FIRE AND ICE
Warm cocoa and ice water.  Take a sip of one.  Give him thirty seconds.  Take a swallow of the other.  Give him thirty seconds.  Repeat until he promises to have your babies if you finish him off.  NOTE: back off a bit if he gets over-stimulated.  And don't use water any warmer than you'd probably bathe a baby in -- it doesn't take much heat to make your mouth feel REALLY hot.

FUR FUN
Buy a scrap of fake fur, or use a similarly fuzzy or furry object to tickle his johnson until he's moaning.  Change up with a slightly different texture for a few minutes, then go back.  Remove loose hair from mouth afterwards (hey, I never said there wasn't any risk).

HAIR DRYER

Give new meaning to the term "blow job" with a little extra heat on his junk!  Whip out your favorite styling tool and blow your man right.  You might only have a couple of passes before it gets too hot, but it's quite a unique sensation.  But skip the curling iron -- the blow dryer is warm and interesting enough.  Speaking of which . . .

POP ROCKS
'Nuff said.

CAST OF THOUSANDS
This is the perfect time to try to fool him into thinking there is someone other than you behind the glory hole.  Crank up some music to cover any noise, and after you start him off more-or-less as normal, step away for a moment, then return and attack his schlong with an entirely different style.  If you're usually soft and mushy, go hard and fast.  If you're usually heavy on the long strokes, flicker the head instead.

OR, you can actually get someone to help out, if you're into that sort of thing or you accidentally wrecked his car.  But even if you're alone, you should be able to create the illusion of a couple of girls (?) taking turns by simply putting your hair up and changing your style and grip.

 If you really want to freak him out, try wearing a fake mustache and/or beard.  Like I said, advanced users.

The key to this is the novelty of the situation.  You both get the illusion of anonymity (after all, are you SURE that was your husband's dick?) and the endless fantasy implicit in he Glory Hole Experience.  Plus you get bonus Wife Points for instigating, planning, and executing the plan until orgasm.  Dudes LOVE that kind of stuff.  We eat it up.

Where in your marriage would you use this?  Not when things are rocky -- if you and the Missus are having problems, then inserting your penis into some unknown variable isn't necessarily the wisest thing, no matter how sweetly she asks.

But if you are just experiencing the desire for novelty, or you want to impress him with a little experimentation but you don't want to break out the ball-gags and paddles just yet, then the Glory Hole Experience is a great way to inject some fun fantasy into your sex life for the price of a piece of cardboard and a little ingenuity.

If you're concerned about what he's thinking while he's thrusting away through the hole, don't be.  You are over-thinking it and you probably don't really want to know, anyway.  But that's the point: this is an indulgence in sexual fantasy play.  It's not a precursor to ten-guy blow bangs in some funky-smelling dive.

Just relax and enjoy the happy prospect of a cock without a man in sight -- and then tell me you haven't dreamed about what you would do if you had that chance.

Give it a shot, try it out, let me know how it worked out for you.  Professional interest.  Really.

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Beta Move: Wash Her Face

Mrs. Ironwood likes cosmetics and makeup the way that I like cooking and food.

She's not vain, not at all.  And she's not hopelessly insecure (not any more than any other woman, and better than the vast majority -- when your husband is constantly trying to have sex with you, it's kinda hard to feel unattractive), she just likes putting on and wearing makeup. She understands the powerful importance of presentation in the professional world, especially in terms of positioning in the Female Social Matrix, and she considers it a kind of artistic expression as well.  She's gotten good at it by necessity, and even did a brief pre-career stint as a retail cosmetics manager in a mall store.  She's intrigued by the science behind the glamour as well.

She spends a fair amount on cosmetics.  But then she's a professional woman who meets with clients and colleagues and the general public, and she wants to make a good professional presentation.  Makeup and wardrobe and nails are part of the job.  Having worked in offices for decades, I can appreciate just how much a woman's success or failure in an endeavor can depend upon her self confidence . . . and if she feels that she has to spackle on the self-confidence every morning, then I'm not one to argue.

It makes her happy and feel better about herself, it amuses me and the kids to watch her make faces in the mirror, and it's something that's uniquely feminine, like me tending to my facial hair is uniquely masculine.  I admit I indulge her when there's a sale on something she likes, and she cooperates by limiting her purchases within a self-imposed budget and working the free samples shamelessly.

All that being said, at the end of the day -- and they all seem like long, hard, stressful days, recently -- when she's dragging home late after yet-another meeting, after eating dinner, kissing the kids goodnight and reviewing their homework, collapsing into bed exhausted and passing out without another thought is one of her favorite things to do.  Sometimes she barely has the strength or initiative to get undressed (I'm happy to help her with that), much less do the full de-bureaucratiization process.  If that means sleeping in makeup and smearing her pillow (and sometimes mine) with makeup, well, I'm not that picky.  I usually follow the Guy Rule when it comes to clothing and such ("If it doesn't have Shit, Blood Or Puke on it, It Ain't That Bad") and a little mascara smear never bothers me.

But last night, for no particular reason, when she finally stumbled in after her meeting and it was time for night-night, I noted that she was in no mood to de-spackle her face.  She doesn't like sleeping in makeup (she says it reminds her of the Walk of Shame in the morning) but once she's down, she's down.  So I grabbed a couple of makeup removing wipes and washed her face -- or at least got the lion's share of the goop off of it so she wouldn't look like Tammy Faye Baker in the morning.  I mean, it wouldn't kill my morning wood or anything (and if you know of something that can, Mrs. Ironwood would dearly like to know) but it's not the best look to wake up to.

The experience of washing her face turned into something more, however.  The kinesthetic sense of my fingers on her face, gently rubbing away the makeup, grime, sweat, and cares of the day, felt wonderful to her.  I explored every square millimeter of he face as I wiped the gunk off, and whispered soothing things to her while she just laid there and made sex noises.  I had to be careful, of course, and ended up going back for a third wipe (she loves makeup, in case I hadn't mentioned that) but at the end of the experience she looked up with a beatific expression that put a warm glow in my heart and a tent pole in my pants.

"I feel so loved and taken care of," she said with a sigh.  "That's the nicest thing that's happened to me all day.  Can you do that again tomorrow?"

I shrugged.  "Baby, whatever kinda foreplay you want!"

She giggled.  "Actually, as nurturing and caring as that felt, it was also pretty dominant.  All I could do was lay there and let it happen to me.   That was very sweet, Ian, thoughtful and considerate.  I felt like a kitten being licked by an attentive parent."  

"I'm suddenly not feeling particularly parental," I noted.  The face washing had definitely been erotic, and gosh, that's hard for a dude to hide even when he wants to.  I had no such inclination.  Hilarity ensued.

So wash her face.  It's a deeply intimate, yet utterly utilitarian way to bond with your girl over something girly.   And it would be a shame to let a freshly-scrubbed face go unkissed . . .

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Is Your Bedroom Killing Your Alpha?

When a man marries (or moves in with) a woman, there's a long period where things are uncomfortable.  You don't know where everything goes, you don't know about her stuff, and suddenly you're sharing things you didn't used to -- like a bedroom.

Men like the bedroom.  It's where some of our favorite sex happens.  But all too often over time one of two terrible things happen, and we don't realize it.

First, if you're a parent, your bedroom may become the repository for laundry, exiled toys, and assorted kid crap you want to maintain control over.  Or, for some, a place you can hide all of your messy crap from company if you need to.  Kids are messy, and they make us messy if we're not careful.  And then there's your own crap: exercise machine, decades of SI, action figure collection, whatever.

The second thing that can happen is that your woman, secure in her relationship, decides to "nest" in the glory of her "big girl house" by transforming your bedroom and bathroom to what is undoubtedly Her Domain.  Pillows, artwork, carpet, drapes, from the moment you enter the bedroom, it's Her bedroom . . . you just sleep there.

Now neither of those possibilities is very conducive to getting laid.  A bedroom full of kid crap is distracting to the extreme.  If you have very young children, the possibility exists that you will be in your moment of passion and the piles of laundry shift and suddenly you're trying to get your rocks off to "Elmo's Song" as their toys sing at you maniacally.  Kids artwork is great, but it belongs elsewhere -- nothing can throw your Game like suddenly looking up at a hand-drawn picture of you with WORLD'S BEST DADDY on it.  It's heartwarming -- not boner-building.

Likewise, if your woman has over-feminized your bedroom with five times the legal limits of pillows, artwork you don't like, or every stuffed animal she's ever gotten, getting laid might be less distracting but also less natural.  Our surroundings influence us, and in the bedroom not only should we feel free to focus on the activities associated therewith, but we should also feel, as Men, that the bedroom includes a mixture of masculine and feminine energies that you both feel comfortable with.

Now that sounds like New Agey crap, but the fact is if you're bedroom is four shades of mauve and you go to sleep every night staring at your wife's prized Angel collection, your bedroom suffers from any sign of you, the Man.  And it shouldn't have to.  The visual portrayal of masculine energy aids in the establishment of masculine self-confidence and pride.  All too often when we marry we automatically defer (in fine Blue Pill fashion) to whatever our wives want to do with the bedroom, because, well, they happen to have the only functioning vagina in the relationship.  As Captain of your ship, you have the right to have appropriate quarters that reflect your masculine soul -- especially when it comes to something as important as poon tang.

So take careful stock of your bedroom this evening -- really look around and take a mental inventory.  Do you like the color?  The curtains?  The bedding?  The bed?  Does your stuff take up about as much room as hers?  Do you have any artwork on the walls to match hers?  Did you choose the carpet?  Do you think the place would benefit from a stuffed moose's head?

Now, I'm not advocating that you turn your marital bower into a sports bar.  But a few pieces of tasteful erotic art, a rug you chose, a bedspread you like, or an award you won are all suggested.  If the place is filled with flowers and stuff you don't know what it is but it looks breakable and important, then get some crap of your own to balance it out.  For every item of decoration she has, you should have an element of your own.  Candles, sconces, dogs playing poker, anything but a busty cheek trying to sell you beer is fair game. Personally, I display a big sharp pointy sword on the wall as a counterpoint to the many feminine objects in my bedroom.

But if you do nothing else . . . get rid of the damn pillows.  She only needs a few.  Unless they are being actively used as sexual props, there is no reason to protect your bed with that many pillows.  Take ownership of your bedroom and let her know that this is a neutral place for you both, not her room that you sleep in.  By sweeping away the clutter, adding a few suggestive pieces, and re-claiming the marital bed in a masculine way you can help bring a little psychological parity into it.  Both of you need to feel comfortable and aroused -- and if you think of bed as "her turf", that isn't going to be easy.


UPDATE:  As commentor Windswept, below, cogently pointed out decor and lack of pillows doesn't mean a thing if the over-all effect still doesn't invite an erotic response.  Seriously, dudes, handle your shit.  We all have pocket contents -- they define who we are, to some extent.  But that doesn't mean they have to explode all over the place every night.

So fellas, do this: clean your room, thoroughly.  Then buy a tastefully masculine wicker basket you can place on your dresser -- you can even find one with a lid, if you'd like.  Then find a tastefully masculine looking container for receipts that ACTUALLY NEED TO BE KEPT next to it.  If so inclined, also include a spare change jar, possibly matching the other features.  Have a trash can nearby, too, if you don't already (and make sure you make a point of emptying the damn thing when it's half full).

When you're ready to bed down, watch, wallet, keys, pocket knife, and other gentlemanly crap in your basket.  Change goes into the change jar -- you'll make it part of your secret nookie fund, if you're wise.  Important receipts in the container (clear to file at the end of the month).  Everything else is trash.

You should never have more than one book and two magazines next to your bed.  Make a point not to let them accumulate.

And clothes . . . get your own hamper.  Seriously.  If it's dirty, dispose of it.  If it's clean (even "mostly clean") then roll it up and place it neatly near by your other clean clothes.  If you're wise, you'll have another, larger wicker basket for such transitional laundry.  But don't throw it on the floor.  Have some respect -- the bedroom is your sexual arena, your stage, your laboratory and workshop.  Treat it accordingly.  Would you go to a mechanic whose tools were strewn all over his garage?  Would you trust a craftsman who couldn't maintain his workshop?  The desire to "mark our territory" with our messes is strong in men, but there's a place for that: the man cave.  Your bedroom is not your man cave.

And ladies, when confronted with this issue, there are a few ways you can choose to handle it.

First, the traditional Blue Pill approach: nag him about it.  That sets up resentment, is a DLV for him, and brings conflict to the issue, because he's going to interpret it as an attempt at territorial control and react accordingly.  He might even do it to temporarily appease you, but before you know it he'll be back to his old habits and you'll be nagging him about it again.

Or you could try the Red Pill approach and manipulate him with sex -- that's good Girl Game.  Believe me, it's your best bet.  Mrs. Ironwood had to contend with that, once upon a time.  After fighting a losing battle with me for years over it, she got sick of the nagging and the passive-aggressiveness of my response.  So for my birthday she bought me a complete, masculine-looking set of wicker and wood containers and included a note that said, more or less, "Organization makes me wet" and then went on to richly reward me for cleaning up my shit.

She repeated with more positive reinforcement the next few times it started to get messy ("I'll be wearing a piece of clothing to bed for every piece of clutter on your dresser", "the smell of Pledge makes me horny", "when you finish straightening up your dresser you can dust them with my panties").  After a while, if she wasn't happy with the state of my side of the room, when I'd try to initiate she'd tell me that she was really feeling like watching me clean the bedroom naked to music, and I'd take the hint.

As the lady said, "A man will put up with just about anything if he thinks it's foreplay".  Just make sure you give him the treat at the end of the trick, make sure he knows it's important and why, and after you've mentioned it once, don't mention it again for a while.  Give him a chance to handle his business.  And if he doesn't -- make him take you to a nice, clean hotel room before you give it up.

Dudes, clean is sexy to women.  Always.  Even when she's being "dirty", she doesn't want to be distracted by clutter, dirt, and dust.  Cobwebs aren't sexy.  Dirty clothes aren't sexy.  So handle your business and clean up your act.

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