Can I call you dude? Do we have a 'dude relationship'? You know, that kind of dude-at-the-next-urinal relationship where I can tell you something, one dude to another, without the bullshit? Will you trust me -- just for the next couple of paragraphs -- to give you the straight shit? I don't know you, you don't know me, we're just a couple of dudes, both doing our thing, and I have no vested interest in your relationship.
I'm just a dude. Like you. So, if you have a few minutes, let me lay some cosmic wisdom on you. But let me distract you with an image of a tastefully sexy girl doing something refreshingly domestic to maintain your attention, first.
Did that help you focus? I thought it might. After all, we're both dudes.
If you are reading this, it is because your wife, girlfriend, best friend, brother-in-law, sister, or someone else close to you, who both cares for you and who has a good working knowledge of your relationship (and who may have used a dummy e-mail address), thinks that it would benefit you to read this particular blog post on this particular blog. Why? It could be any number of reasons, but let's assume that a good friend who doesn't want to be gauche enough to say it to your face thinks you and your relationship would benefit from the following piece of advice:
You're doing it wrong.
That is, the relationship/marriage you are in, which at casual inspection seems "perfectly fine", is suffering, and someone you know can see that. That may come as a shock to you, or it may not. Why is it suffering? More than likely,the root of the problem is the fact that you aren't being All That You Can Be in the whole manhood department.
Whoa! Don't freak out -- this is (probably) not a prelude to divorce or a relationship ultimatum. This is a gentle reminder, a casual hint, a wink-wink-nudge-nudge dude, you need to pay attention to this! sort of thing. The relationship that you think is so stable and mutually beneficial and strong? Someone thinks that it could be better. Someone thinks that you would benefit from learning something important about your relationship that, perhaps, you just weren't aware of.
You're doing it wrong -- but it's really not your fault. I mean, how could it be? People have been telling you how you're supposed to be doing it for years -- but they were wrong, and so now you're doing it wrong.
You see, when you got into your relationship with your current woman, she was HOT for you. I mean, when she thought about you, her stomach flip-flopped, her eyes got all dreamy, her ladyparts got all dewy, and there was nothing -- nothing --that she thought about more than you.
But . . . well, it's been awhile, and while you're still a perfectly good dude -- don't get me wrong, in places you probably border on greatness -- there's this one area where you're just not quite getting the job done.
It's actually not one certain thing -- it's a bunch of related things, but they all come down to you needing to step-up, "man up", grow a pair, and quit acting like such a pussy when it comes to your woman.
Seriously -- it pains me to say it, but that's the fact, Jack. You wouldn't be reading this otherwise. When your woman does something, wants something, says something . . . you fold like a cheap card table and do your damnedest to make it happen, no matter how difficult or unreasonable. You're whipped. Maybe not even in an obvious way, but it's there. Everyone knows who's in charge of your household, your relationship. Even your woman -- and it's killing her.
No, really. Every time she gives you an unreasonable ultimatum and you don't call her on it, her love for you dies a little. Every time you kiss her ass so that she'll like you, despite what she says, the opposite is true. Believe it or not, she likes it when you show some backbone. In fact, that makes her panties wet -- and when was THAT ever a bad thing?
The truth is, YOU used to make her panties wet, just by being you. And that was great -- really. The infatuation, the courtship, the maelstrom of feelings that compelled you to go after this particular girl, she felt it too. It wasn't fake. It wasn't your imagination. You had a real connection, some chemistry. You were a manly man, and she found great value in that.
Only now . . . not so much.
Oh, sure, she still likes you. She even loves you. But is she breathlessly checking her phone every five minutes to see if you've texted? Is she still making mistakes at work because she's thinking about you? Of course not. You're past that point now, aren't you? You're in the comfortable part of the relationship, when you can both just "be", without pretense or illusion or obfuscation. She can "get to know the real you" and appreciate and love you just for being you. And she is. Only . . .
. . . well, you know that infatuation stage? It's amazing, isn't it? You've probably been coasting along on the strength of that for years -- if you're married, certainly since your wedding day, haven't you? And that's cool -- you aren't a kid anymore.
But now you have to keep in mind that the woman who made you giddy with desire the moment someone mentioned her name is also remembering those times fondly, and she's wondering where the fuck they went? I mean, things have been fine, sure . . . but things have been "fine". Maybe even a little friction, a fight, a "discussion", something . . . but the fact is, "fine" isn't what she signed up for. She signed up for "amazing", and she's dealing with "fine", but the first time she see's "amazing", you have to wonder . . . is she going to be happy enough with "fine" to not even consider pursuing "amazing"? How about the second time? The third?
Dude, not trying to scare you here, just trying to give you a clue. Your woman, whether she knows it or not, whether she's the one who sent you here or not, your woman wants you to step up and take charge. She wants you to lead her. She wants to be in awe of your masculinity. She wants to gush to her girlfriends -- not about the manly way you take out the trash or pick up her dry-cleaning, but how you dazzle her on a daily basis with your wit and charm. She wants to feel the chemistry that attracted her to you in the first place. But she can't say that. It sucks, but the fact is, if she has to ask you to take charge, then you aren't really "taking charge".
She can't give you permission to take the lead. You have to just take it, on your own initiative, or it doesn't count. Forget for a moment whether or not she's going to get pissed off, because if you do it right, she just might be a little pissed off at first -- and that's not a bad thing. You have to understand that, that's essential: you may have to piss her off a little to keep her engaged in the relationship. Why? Because, to paraphrase Feris Bueller, "you just can't respect a man who kisses your ass all the time".
And you're getting dangerously close, Dude, or you wouldn't be reading this.
Let's pause for a moment, look at another sexy, tastefully erotic picture of a pretty girl, and marshal our resources before we move on.
See how well that calms your mind and improves your focus? Now back to the message.
It's not a lost cause -- there's still some time to turn things around before someone does or says something stupid and things get fucked up. Nobody wants that. All you need it step up your game a bit, take command, and start remembering who the fuck you were before you started being blinded by her puss--- ah, her femininity.
That's key: finding the masculine Dude in your soul. The Dude who once looked across the room, sized her up, and said, "yeah, that's worth hitting", and you went for it. That's the dude she wants to see. The dude who struts, who thinks he's hot shit. The dude you were before you met her.
So show a little backbone in the future. If you aren't having sex with her at least once every five days or so (that's six times a month, for you liberal arts majors) then she's probably not really intrigued with you the way that's ideal. If you aren't kissing her at least once or twice a day -- not a bullshit peck on the cheek, but a sudden, come-from-behind, press her against the wall, and plant a good ten-second smooch with tongue and dry humping and hard nipples, then you're doing it wrong. If you aren't the dude all of her girlfriends want to sleep with in a moment of drunken weakness, then you're doing it wrong. If you walk across the room naked, fresh from the shower and Mr. Happy bouncing around in front of her and she doesn't at least look up and bite her lip . . . you're doing it wrong.
Look, I know it's not all you. You got complacent, she got complacent. You both relaxed into a mutual comfort zone while you enjoyed the emerging fruits of your relationship, and . . . stuff just sort of slipped away. On your side, you probably aren't getting laid as much as you like, and when you do get laid it's nothing to blog anonymously about. Hell, you might be whacking off more now than when you met her. She's just not responding to you the way she used to, but you've just . . . accepted that.
And that sucks. Because both of you want essentially the same thing, you just don't know how to go about it. You've been told for your entire life about how you need to respect women, listen to women, treat women as equals. And that's great, as far as it goes, but when it comes to your relationship, believe it or not, your woman doesn't want you to treat her as an equal when it comes to certain aspects of your relationship. She wants you to be strong, firm, and decisive. She wants you to know what you want, and go after it -- even if she doesn't approve. She wants you to be the dude every chick in the room wants to bang, but the one she's lucky enough to be going home with.
That's a tall order, I know. I mean, how do you go from "I respect you too much to do that" to "Hell, yeah, I want a blowjob baby!" without sounding like a complete idiot? The fact is, it isn't easy -- at first. But either is realizing that your woman's panties don't get wet because of your decent job and neatly-trimmed yard, your willingness to watch chick flicks or buy tampons for her. All the things you've been doing for her so she'll like you enough to fuck you, those are BETA skills, and while they're important for a long term relationship . . . well, Betas don't get much play. Nice guys don't get wildly fucked by passionate women.
This looks like another good spot for a Pretty Girl break. Just bear with me . . . we're almost done.
Now that's how they did it in Grandad's day!
And that's something to consider, as well: your grandfather likely had an entirely different take on how to manage his relationship than you do -- and while the rules of the game have changed dramatically since then, the players -- men and women -- still desire the same basic things. Your grandad knew how to handle himself around women back then, and it wasn't by kissing their asses. You don't have to completely dick out -- don't get me wrong. But here are a few things that your granddad probably would tell you that you need to change, and right now:
Don't apologize unless you are genuinely at fault, or there is a dead animal involved. Seriously, if she has a bad day at work, don't say "I'm sorry you had a bad day". Say "that really sucks, baby. Why don't you tell me the high points, and then we can take steps to help you forget about it?"
When she makes an inherently unreasonable request -- say, calling you from across the house to hand her a pair of scissors that's less than four feet away -- then refuse to do it on general principal. I mean, if you don't value your time enough to get upset when she pulls some unreasonably flaky shit like that, then what's stopping her from doing that all the time. . . and loving you a little less for how willing you are to kiss her ass? You have to respect yourself before she can respect you, and if you're kissing her ass all the time in the remote hope for pussy, then that demonstrates a lack of self-respect.
Sure, every woman wants a devoted man in her life, but they don't want to be in a relationship with a pussy. Being devoted means that you bring her flowers unexpectedly, you check her oil without being asked, and you'd rather take her out on Saturday night than any other girl in town . . . not that you wait on her hand-and-foot and make her every desire manifest.
Seriously, Dude, even if you've invested heavily in the "equality" meme, then recognize that you two can't even be equals if you're deferring to her constantly. Tell her NO when she makes an unreasonable suggestion. No elaboration, no "I'm sorry, Honey, but . . . ", just tell her "no, that doesn't work for me." Put yourself back into the equation of your own relationship. She's not going to give you permission to disagree with her -- that defeats the purpose.
Here's something you need to try out: be decisive. You know what kills your chances of nookie probably more than anything else? The words, "I don't know, Honey, whatever you want to do is fine." That's it. Sure, you're trying to be deferent and considerate, putting her needs, wants and desires before yours, out of your deep and abiding respect for the dignity of her womanhood blah, blah, blah, but the simple fact of the matter is that she wants you to take a fucking stand and tell her where you want to go -- no equivocation, no second-guessing, no picking what you think she wants. Just. Pick. A. Fucking. Restaurant. Seriously.
And don't just hesitantly pick it -- when she asks you "so where do you want to eat tonight?" you tell her "I want Golden Corral tonight. I'll meet you there at 7:30. Order me a Coke if you get there first." Done and done. Don't worry about picking the "wrong" choice -- be a man and take the risk. In fact, when it comes to your relationship it's far, far more important to be certain than it is to be right. Really. Trust me on this. Take a stand and stick by it.
What if she doesn't like it? Tell her, "well, can you make a compelling argument for that decision?" and then shut up and let her talk. Give her an opportunity to persuade you, instead of direct you. Put the issue in doubt, and if she feels strongly enough about it, she'll speak up. She's not your mother, and she hates feeling like your mother. She really wants you to be the Man, in that rugged, traditional, rugged and determined sort of way, despite what you may have heard her say to the contrary. She wants you to be a Rock Solid Authority -- but open to her suggestions. Hell, if you really do have no opinion on the matter, pick something at random and defend it dickishly until she does persuade you. Make her work for it a little. Don't over-do it, but nothing says "dry panties" like "I dunno, whatever you want is fine, I guess."
And that brings us to the subject of the sex . . . yes, you like that part! I bet that got your attention! Sex was like, one of the best things about your woman, back when you met her, remember? You LOVED the sex. So does she, at least theoretically. But can you honestly say that your sex life now is as hot as it was when you first met?
How about another girly pic while you're considering that question:
I mean, just between us dudes . . . when was the last time you really rang her bell? Is there a certain complacency, a certain habitual nature of how you two knock boots? Ten minutes of foreplay, three positions, twelve and a half minutes, she cums twice, you do your thing, God that was great, snore . . .
Sound familiar? Sound depressing?
Or does it actually sound a lot better than things actually are?
Let me tell you about something my father told me about: the Penny Jar.
When a young man marries a woman, for the first year of their marriage he should quietly put a penny in a jar on his dresser for every time he and his new bride make love. Then, after their first anniversary, he should start taking a penny out of the jar every time they have sex.
If you have a typical Blue Pill marriage . . . the jar never gets emptied.
("Blue Pill"? That's a Manosphere expression that means "the idealistic and mistaken way you think things work; illusion", like in the Matrix (the good one). "Red Pill" means "the pragmatic way things actually work." We use this term usually in connection with relationships and over-all male-female gender relations. And if someone sent you a link to this blog post, then someone thinks you have a typical Blue Pill marriage. Your Penny Jar, in other words, will never get emptied.)
Why? It's pretty simple, actually -- all that bold shit you did to attract your woman and persuade her to get humpity with her in the first place? That went away once you and she started being "serious". It's not entirely her fault -- the fact is, you wanted to "make her happy" and so you started doing whatever you thought she wanted you do so she would still hump you silly. Only . . . well, all that nice stuff you did to make her feel comfortable and happy also made her . . . well, kinda bored.
God, she'd never say anything -- maybe send her dude a link via anonymous email account, at the most -- but she'd never want to hurt his feelings by telling him that he's not, y'know, the Man. That would be awful -- even she knows that! And maybe she's dropped a few hints you haven't picked up on, but the end result is the same . . . Dude, you really need to step it up.
And that goes for the bedroom, too. Quit being so . . . gentle. I mean, she's already decided to screw you -- you don't have to worry about her scampering off (unless you try to surprise her with something . . . y'know, too kinky without prior notice). So if she's there, she's ready, she's naked, as soon as you think it's right you get on top of her and you go CONAN on her ass. Do her like it's the night before your four-year prison sentence begins. Do her like they're revoking your cock for thirty days. Do her like you fucking mean it . . . because if you don't, then she thinks you don't. And that's never a good thing.
Another babe, while you think about that:
Sweet, huh? But not very "respectful". But then, the idea that women value respect over admiration and desire is a relatively new phenomenon, and despite some claims to the contrary, there are plenty of women who want less respect and more passionate desire in their lives. Even if that means accepting the fact that you are the Man, and forgetting all about equality for a while.
Consider, Dude: what's the most popular book on Amazon.com? It's not "How to gently make love to your lady wife", it's 50 Shades of Grey -- and if you haven't been paying attention, this little trilogy of mommy porn books isn't filled with tender moments and hand-holding . . . it's filled with raw, poorly-written, highly unlikely emotionally charged Bondage & Discipline and Sado-masochistic sex between a dark and handsome billionaire (of course) and his sweetly submissive -- I mean, pathologically submissive -- beautiful college student chew toy. The "tender moments" usually involve neckties and spanking. There is a lot of really raunchy, poorly-written sex. Believe me, I write erotica, and the sales of this book are not based on its literary merit.
But this thing is selling like batteries at a convent -- so the idea that your woman wants gentle, mutually-pleasurable, overly-consensual sex all the time is crap. If current marketing trends are any indication (and when are they not?) then there is a deep, often-hidden vein of submission within the soul of the American woman that is screaming to get out. There is a part of her that wants to feel owned, possessed, commanded -- and if you aren't the commander, someone else eventually will be. Pay attention to what she does, not what she says, and you'll start tuning into just how much she wants you to -- occasionally -- just throw her on the bed and rip her clothes off. Heck, get some neckties from Goodwill and go all-out. The point is, she's fucking bored with the way you're doing it, and if she doesn't get interested soon, there's no telling
Of course there's a lot more to it than that. If light bondage and a few extra grunts were enough to fix the problem, then it would be easy. But it's not. What you need to do is TAKE CONTROL of your life, and your relationship, before you find it out of control. You can't do that with a few casual tricks. It takes dedication, willpower, courage and devotion to the idea that you -- yes, you, Dude! -- are a masculine prize worthy of contention, a champion striding the earth, the Captain of your own destiny . . . and she is with you because of that, not because of how sharp the lawn looks this week.
Time for another picture. Focus:
So wake up, Dude. Someone is trying to tell you something. You're doing it wrong, and now is the time to correct your course, before you steer into the iceberg. You need to seriously look at your relationship and decide whether or not you are an "equal partner" in all things, or if you are the Man who takes charge, gets things done, and appeals to his woman on the basis of his masculinity, not his income potential. Don't be the dude who finds himself listening to his wife tell him "You know, this just isn't working out. I'm just not happy" a few years down the road.
Oh, sure, that would never happen to you and your devoted woman . . . but I could list a hundred guys off the top of my head who thought the same thing, and ended up single because of it.
There are resources out there to help you -- a collection of blogs and discussion groups known as the Manosphere, filled with your fellow dudes trying to work this shit out just like you are. There are tons of places where you can learn how to manage your woman and your relationship in a way that will benefit you both in the long run. You can learn how to handle her emotional outbursts, interpret what she's saying, and learn how to appeal to her sexually without resorting to expensive gifts or whining. You should, of course, take much of what you find in the Manosphere with a grain of salt, because all of these dudes have slightly different issues than you do, so their solutions might work for them but not for you. But on the other hand, there are lots of dudes who have tons of insight on how the female mind works. Really works, that is, not how they want us to think it works. That's one of the points of the Manosphere, to help you learn how to deal with the woman in your life without considering the benefits of the monastic life. We're here to help.
But even if you don't want to jump into the deep end of the Manosphere yet, you need to realize that someone thought you were doing it wrong, and needed a "word to the wise". So consider it given. You might not get another. Believe it or not, this isn't a slam -- there are plenty of dudes in your boat. And there's still hope, and room to fix it. Just don't ignore it.
One last picture, to kind of clean up:
I'm glad we could have this little talk, Dude. I hope you took it how it was intended. We need to watch each other's backs, after all . . . because it's not like our woman will do that for us.
Don't forget to flush.
signed,
Ian Ironwood,
A FELLOW DUDE
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